WHAT THE BLOODY HELL WERE THEY THINKING?

Well, it's that time again. What time is that, you ask? Time for another top five post, of course. And this time around, by popular demand (seriously...two people to whom I owe money actually demanded it), the subject is 'songs that just should never have been written." We're not talking merely cheesy songs, either. Or even songs so bad they're sort of good. We're talking awful, terrible, what-the-hell-were-they-thinking songs. So grab your barf bag and start scrolling. Ready? Let's cringe...

Okay, the fact that the words "yummy, yummy" are repeated throughout the song is bad enough. But the rest of the lyrics are even worse. How they ever made it on 1968 AM radio is anyone's guess. "Yummy, Yummy, Yummy. I got love in my tummy, And I feel like a-lovin you: Love, you're such a sweet thing, Good enough to eat thing. And that's just a-what I'm gonna do." Am I the only one who thinks I know what the members of Ohio Express are really talking about? In a word...ewwwww. Of course, we can't actually blame Ohio Express since they were merely one of the many manufactured bands created by Jerry Kasenetz and Jeffrey Katz, the brains (and balls) behind Super K Productions, the pop hit machine also responsible for giving the world "Sausalito" by Graham Gouldman, another song we really need never hear again, although I'd take it over "Yummy, Yummy" any day. In fact, I'd pretty much take any song over "Yummy, Yummy" including the next one...and that says a lot.

Oh, man. Or...perhaps we should...woman. Because this 1976 top forty "sleeper hit", crooned in a sicky sweet monotone by Charlene Duncan (known professionally simply as "Charlene") could be viewed as a lightweight companion piece to Helen Reddy's "I Am Woman" of a few years before. Written by Ron Miller, it's a confessional piece that would probably make Oprah cry, telling the story of a woman who's lived a life filled with worldly pleasures, including but not limited to taking "the hand of a preacher man" with whom she made love in the sun (I always picture Jim Baker), going to Monte Carlo "like (Jean) Harlow", and sipping champagne in a yacht near an isle in Greece, only to discover that, of all the amazing places she's been, she's "never been to me." Yeah, Charlene, we get it. It's all about channeling your inner goddess and empowering her to make you happy instead of looking to outside things to do the job. Not a bad philosophy at all. It's just that the song is so damned cloying and annoying (yes, I know they rhyme), and Charlene sings it in a voice that just begs to be used in a Disney movie...from the 1940s. Not surprisingly, it was Charlene's only hit. That it was at a hit at all is what makes us crazy. But nowhere near as crazy as this next song...

He hit me...and it felt like a kiss. Great lyrics...Gerry Goffin and Carole King. Yup, that's right. The same song writing legends who wrote "One Fine Day" and "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?" actually wrote the above lyrics...inspired by the personal life of Little Eva, their babysitter-turned-pop-star for whom they also wrote the much less disturbing "Locomotion." Seems that upon discovering that Eva's boyfriend hit her on a regular basis, they inquired as to why, and she explained that it was because he loved her. So who else to produce it but Phil Spector? Yes, the gun-toting madman behind the early 60's "wall of sound" was in on it, too. Now, don't get me wrong. I understand that Goffin and King weren't condoning relationship violence when they wrote the song, merely reflecting Eva's attitude toward it, but you wouldn't know that from the sincere rendering it gets from The Crystals, who were the first to record it. Back in 1962, as now, the song was not well recieved, and there were even protests leveled at it, both facts which minimized its radio airplay. Even so, it's been covered by some pretty formidable artists, including The Motels and Hole (actually, that one makes sense). Amy Winehouse even once named it as one of the songs that most influenced her as a singer. But none of that lessens my contention that it's a terrible song that should never have been written...at least not without a disclaimer. And that goes for the following song as well...

"She has breasts like melons and breath like rotten eggs"...yeah, and those are the more radio-friendly lyrics in the song. By the time you get to the line "I want to take your chubby ass back to my place and squirt my baby gravy all over your face", you know that you're listening to the work of either a full-fledged chubby chaser or a very bitter metal singer who's had it with all those skinny groupies hanging around outside the dressing room every night. But either way, it's not a very nice tribute to its subject matter, i.e. "fat girls", who, for the record, don't always have breasts like melons or breath that smells like rotten eggs. Hell, if anything, the singer looks like he could use a good washing-up himself. What was Steel Panther thinking when they recorded this song? Hard to say. But I know what I think when I see the video...and it's a two-word phrase that starts with the same first letter of the song's title and ends with a letter that rhymes with "ewwwwwww." And I feel pretty much the same way about this next song...

1982. California metal band. Best known for their 1987 live album "Harder, Faster" (which is actually pretty good). So far so good. But then you realize that they wrote this song, the chorus of which goes, "ON your knees, you shall be on your knees, cause i want you on your knees, you shall be on your knees." Okay...so, the dude wants a blow job. Well, does he have to be such a damned, arrogant jerk about it? I mean, come on. I'm no blushing virgin, but I take issue with the tone, if not the sentiment of the song. How old were their groupies, for God's sake? Really, fellas. You're playing with the self-esteem of malleable young women here. Go easy. There are ways to make a point without totally reducing the concept to its basest form. But that's just me, I guess. I happen to like my metal with a little oil on it. Works better, you know?

Well, that's it...once again. My top five picks for terrible, never shoulda been written songs. Hope you enjoyed it. See you next time. Skol! xoxoxxoxoxxoxoxoxxo