ZOMBIE NATION? LOOKS LIKE MIAMI, FLORIDA MIGHT BE THE CAPITAL CITY

Has the zombie apocalypse finally arrived? Some zombie alarmists are claiming that it has in the wake of an horrific incident which occurred in Florida over the Memorial Day weekend. In case you were fortunate enough not to have had your holiday activities shadowed by the news, please allow me to bring you up to speed. Seems that motorists traveling on the Miami causeway Saturday afternoon were shocked to see a naked man (yes...naked) chewing on the face of another naked man on the off-ramp next to the Biscayne Boulevard exit. According to a report in the New York Daily News, witnesses to the gruesome incident thought at first that the two men were fighting, but were quickly disabused of that notion when they noticed that one of the men was actually shredding and eating the flesh of the second man.

The NYDN article went on to quote one of the witnesses, who said that "(the attacker) was “tearing up pieces of (the victim's) flesh, you know, his ears, his nose. He was tearing it up and throwing it away... it was really a horrific scene.” And it gets worse. When police arrived on the scene, they ordered the attacker to stop, but he ignored them, even after one of the cops drew a gun. "(The) guy just stood there...with pieces of flesh in his mouth and he growled," the cop told a TV news crew. With no other recourse, the cop shot the man several times, killing him. It's still not clear whether the victim, whose face was described as "unrecognizable", will survive the ordeal.

" FILM DIRECTOR GEORGE ROMERO, "GODFATHER OF ALL ZOMBIE MOVIES": MESSIAH OF A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE OR JUST A GUY WHO MADE A FEW HORROR FILMS?

So, what's going on here? In an interview with Eric Spitznagel for Hollywood Blog, American film director George Romero, whose low-budget 1968 cult classic Night of the Living Dead earned him the title "Godfather of Zombie Movies" had this to say about zombies: "To me, the zombies have always just been zombies. They’ve always been a cigar. When I first made Night of the Living Dead, it got analyzed and overanalyzed way out of proportion. The zombies were written about as if they represented Nixon’s Silent Majority or whatever. But I never thought about it that way. My stories are about humans and how they react, or fail to react, or react stupidly. I’m pointing the finger at us, not at the zombies. I try to respect and sympathize with the zombies as much as possible." Well, that's all well and good, I suppose, but the zombies with whom Romero came in contact were really just actors pretending to be reanimated, flesh-eating corpses. The guy in Florida was real. That's what's so unsettling. Since NOTLD came out 44 years ago, there have been a slew of zombie-themed movies, most of which more or less followed the precepts set down by Romero, such as the supposed fact that the number one objective of zombies is to eat the brains of the living, and that the only way to actually kill a zombie (if "kill" is the right word to use in connection with a creature ostensibly already among the deceased) is to shoot it in the head. I'm not sure what part of the naked Florida flesh-eater's body the cop who killed him was aiming at, but the fact that he had to be shot several times before he actually expired is more than a little disturbing. One news report mentioned that the man was "believed to have taken a new kind of LSD" which reportedly makes those who take it extremely aggressive. But if that's the case, what exactly was it that prompted the naked Florida flesh-eater to zero in on his victim's face instead of, say, his meaty thighs? Yeah...that's what I'm thinking, too. He was going for the poor guy's brain.

BATTLING THE ZOMBIE SCOURGE: SHOOT FROM THE HIP, AIM FOR THE HEAD

Now, if we should have learned anything from all the zombie hyperbole that's taken over pop culture in the last few years it's that, despite the obvious fact that zombies are ten times more loathsome and terrifying than your average vampire (at least as portrayed by actors like Johnny Depp, David Boreanaz, and James "No Discernible Facial Expression As Yet" Pattinson), when it comes to scourges of mankind, zombies are a much more desirable foe because they're...well...stupid. Even in those movies in which they're portrayed as moving at relatively normal human speed, they're still basically working with a reptilian brain. So, while their preternatural strength might prove to be something of an issue if one of them happens to back you into a corner, in a more open space, you might still have a chance to get away with your flesh intact. The fact that they supposedly tend to lumber around in packs is another matter altogether, but even then, as long as there's a car, truck, or go-cart within running distance (and you haven't lost the key in your frantic struggle to avoid the multitude of groping zombie hands reaching out to grab you), you could still conceivably make your escape. Of course, at this point, you're probably wondering what the hell difference any of this makes if zombies aren't real? If, as some news reports are claiming, the naked Florida flesh-eater was simply a man driven to perform a perverse act after taking a bad drug? Well, that's just it. Zombies, even the ones in the movies, usually have only become zombies as the result of some sort of virus or chemical taint. Granted, the virus is usually from outer space, and the chemical taint is almost always connected with some covert government activity, but who's to say there's not some zombie-making strain of LSD out there? One that shuts down the part of the human brain that feels shame and empathy, leaving the darker, primal, reptilian part free to indulge in unbridled unhuman-like behavior? I'm just saying. But it's worth thinking about, don't you agree? I mean, I'll give it a few days. But if more reports of face-eating men or women, naked or otherwise, start filtering in from other places, well, suffice it to say that, instead of blogging about it, I'll probably start boning up on zombie-fighting tactics. I just hope they're not all naked.

ZOMBIE NATION? COLOR ME EXPATRIATE

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