THE DISSING OF SUMMER LAWNS

I really love kitsch. I mean...I love it so much I wish that I could start my own kitsch museum and fill it from top to bottom with Kit Kat clocks (jewel encrusted and plain), black panther TV lamps, glow in the dark saints, sombrero-shaped ashtrays, and all the hundreds of other cheesy and wonderful things that make up the world of kitsch decor. Given a choice between a perfectly appointed Victorian house replete with an endless array of potentially valuable period pieces and a nice little city flat with a 1950s living room set, a starburst wall clock, an avocado green stove and matching refrigerator, and a year's supply of Black Tower wine and Laughing Cow cheese, I would, without hesitation, opt for the flat...provided I already had enough money to live on without needing to sell the Victorian antiques, of course. My point is, I find a strange comfort in surrounding myself with the brand names and dated fashion trends of the past. I'm shameless in my passion for kitsch...but not clueless. The way I look at it is, it's one thing to celebrate something that you know is cheesy and ridiculous. But it's an entirely different thing to have no idea that your taste in home furnishings (or clothes or food) is just...well...bad. It's the difference between decorating your front lawn with pink plastic flamingos and draping them in little white lights because you know that your lawn is never going to be featured in Better Homes and Gardens anyway, and sticking a couple of the pink plastic birds next to your trailer because you think they "look nice" next to the Golden Retriever banner that you bought on sale at Family Dollar. Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against trailers, and I'm in no position to be snobbish about where other people do their shopping. It's simply a matter of sensibility. Which brings us to the real subject of this post.

Someone needs to come up with a guide on appropriate lawn decoration. I'm serious. Do you know what I saw whilst driving to a friend's house today? A statue of St. Francis (you know, the patron saint of animals, from Assisi) standing next to a garbage can outside a shabby little house with a pit bull chained to a stake on the other side of the driveway. Now, you tell me...what's wrong with this picture? Aside from the fact that there are a lot of better places to put a statue of St. Francis of Assisi than next to your garbage can, a person who owns a pit bull that they keep chained to a stake in the yard has a lot of nerve decorating the outside of their house with the image of a man known for his love of animals. Keep in mind, I'm no animal rights activist, and I have a lot of issues with the way that PETA conducts their campaigns against animal cruelty, but I'm pretty sure that there's something inappropriate about that particular scenario. And I've seen even worse ones. Like the statue of Jesus I used to pass every day on my way to work, standing with its arms outstretched outside a house decked out with two satellite dishes (two? really?) and an assortment of ersatz appliances set next to the curb, as though the people inside the house couldn't be bothered to get rid of them properly and were just hoping that someone would pull up to the curb one day and scoop them up like newly discovered treasures. What was the statue of Jesus supposed to mean in that context anyway? "God bless our slovenliness"? And what about those lawns littered with those awful black silhouettes of cowboys, running children, or horses? I can't be the only one who finds those things creepy. Especially at night. Although, as lawn decorations go, they're nowhere near as bad as the "fat lady behinds" or the "pissing kids" that some people seem to think add visual enhancement to their front yards.

What I'm saying is, if you're going to include a statue of a religious figure in your lawn decor, use decor--um. And if you're going to use bad taste as a template, then at least have a sense of humor about it. Can't live without a lawn jockey? Well, fine. Just make sure he's wearing a cap with the logo of your favorite football team on it. If you just have to have one of those fat lady behinds next to your house, consider adding a "kick me" sign to it. And as for those black silhouette things...well, just go with pink flamingos instead. Even if you don't realize how kitschy they really are. Because even if you don't, when it comes to lawn decor, kitsch is always better than creepy.

Skol! xoxoxxoxoxxoxoxxoxoxxoo