CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE STUMBLED INTO "THE SHALLOW ZONE." WATCH OUT FOR THE ROCKS. SOME OF THEM ARE SHARP.
If you're looking for a blog with meaningful content on the important issues of the day, you've come to the wrong place. This is the shallows, my friend. Nothing but shallowness as far as the eye can see. Let someone else make sense of things. I like it here.

About Me

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I love my grown children, miss all the dogs I ever had, and I cry at the drop of a hat, I believe in true love, destiny, fairness, and compassion. If I could be anywhere right now, it would be the ocean. My favorite city is New York, but I am always longing for London and craving more time in Copenhagen. I'm drawn to desolate places, deserted buildings, and unknown byways. I don't care how society perceives me as long as my gut tells me that what I'm doing is right. I am interested in paranormal things, spiritual things, historical things, and things that glow at night. I like to drink, I smoke when I write, I can't stand small talk, and despite my quick temper, I would rather kiss than fight. I'm selfish with my writing time, a spendthrift with my love. My heart has been broken so many times that it's held together with super glue and duct tape. The upside is that, next time, I won't be tempted to give away what I no longer have to give. But I will let you buy me a Pink Squirrel.
MY SHALLOW MISSION STATEMENT

MY SHALLOW MISSION STATEMENT

MY SHALLOW MISSION STATEMENT
Not that there's any weight to it...
IN A WORLD FILLED WITH COMPLEX POLITICAL ISSUES, SOCIAL INEQUALITY, AND FINANCIAL UNCERTAINTY, I CONSIDER IT MY GIFT TO YOU, MY READER, TO OFFER THIS SHALLOW LITTLE HAVEN, WHERE NOTHING IS TOO SHALLOW, TOO INSIGNIFICANT, OR TOO RIDICULOUS TO JUSTIFY OUR ATTENTION. IN OTHER WORDS, IF IT'S NOT IMPORTANT....SO WHAT? NEITHER WAS MARILYN MONROE'S BRA SIZE. AND THAT STILL SELLS MAGAZINES, DOESN'T IT?
VIDEO OF THE MONTH

Thursday, March 21, 2013

DON'T EAT ANOTHER PEEP UNTIL YOU READ THIS POST (SERIOUSLY. YOU'LL THANK ME LATER.)



Marshmallow Peeps. You know 'em, and if you have any sense at all, you loathe them with every fiber of your being. What am I talking about, you ask? Why do I feel such enormous hatred for a marshmallow candy shaped like a chick or a bunny and dyed artificial shades of yellow, pink, blue, and green? Okay, I'll tell you. It's the eyes, damn it. As much as I hate marshmallow, as much as I detest the annoying cuteness that compels people to buy them in the first place, it's the eyes that send me over the Easter candy aisle edge. You see...those eyes...those round, black eyes embedded inside the marshmallow faces of the Peeps sitting in boxes on your local grocery store shelf right this very minute....are insoluble.


There. I said it. Now you know...and you can never, ever go back to not knowing. All you can do is let me explain exactly what it all means...for the Peeps, and for you. No matter what you do to Peeps...immerse them in boiling water, drench them in phenol (yes, phenol), or dunk them in sulfuric acid (yes, sulfuric acid), their eyes will not dissolve. It takes the Peep a long time to dissolve on its own, but if you keep working at it, you can eventually make the Peep go away. But even though the Peep is gone, its eyes will remain.


Of course, all of this begs one singular question: what the hell are Peeps eyes made of anyway? The answer is carnauba wax. Also known as Brazil Wax and palm wax, carnauba wax comes from a palm plant called Copernica prunifera which grows only in northeastern Brazil. Sounds innocent enough, doesn't it? Even somewhat exotic. Sure, it does...until you find out that carnauba wax is used for a lot more than Peep eyes. It's a main component of car waxes, furniture polishes, shoe polishes, dental floss, and many cosmetics. Carnauba wax is what gives those products the ability to make things shine. That's all well and good since most people don't eat furniture polish or lipstick. But they do eat Peeps. And I've never seen anyone spit out those glossy black eyes. Do you see what I'm saying here? Or do the words "Soylent Green" mean nothing to you?


Maybe you think I'm making this whole thing up because I want everyone in the world to hate Peeps as much as I do. I only wish that I were. But the insolubility of Peep eyes is a cold, hard fact, brought to light in 1999 by two scientists at Emory University, who performed a battery of tests on countless Peeps before reaching their disturbing conclusion. What's even more disturbing is that, here we are, thirteen years later, and no one seems to care. People are still eating Peeps and taking pictures of them doing stupid things. Like this...


And this...


They don't realize, or maybe they just don't care that the Peeps they find so precious and adorable are harboring insoluble eyes. And if Peep eyes can stand up to sulfuric acid, think about what happens when they hit your stomach. Nothing. They just sit there. Every tiny black eye from every yellow, pink, green, or blue Peep you have ever eaten is still down there in your stomach. It floors me. It should floor you, too. But for some reason it probably won't. We have the facts, we know the score, and yet....no one cares.


I don't know why Peeps and their insoluble eyes have such a hold on our society, but they apparently do. And I'm just one person, and there's only so much one person can do to beat back the sugar-coated scourge that we know by the innocuous name of "Peeps." Sure, I'll keep telling people about the eyes. I'll stick to my vow to never buy Peeps, either for myself (that's an easy one) or for anyone else. And I'll send links to Peeps eyes insolubility websites to everyone I know every Easter. But what it comes down to is...what are you going to do about it now that you know the truth? Shrug your shoulders and eat another Peep? Or take a stand? The choice is yours. Make the right one. Say "No...a thousand times...No!" to Peeps and their insoluble eyes. And always remember: Marshmallow chicks might go down easy, but once they're in, it's a hell of a lot harder to get a Peep out of you.


Skol!

3 comments:

  1. The wax is non toxic. A simple search can tell you that. Can also tell you its known as brazil or palm wax. You make it seem as if people are going to die from it. It's such a minor amount it really wouldn't do anything anyway. In a world where information is easily aquired, you should really make sure to put ALL the details about something. And telling people it sits there is ignorant. It passes through the body just like a penny would. It won't dissolve but it won't just sit there.

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  2. The first commenter has it right. I'm kind of neutral on peeps, but found this site after Googling what peep eyes were made of. Yes, they are made of a non-toxic inedible wax. But no, they are not going to sit in your stomach forever, slowing accumulating into some giant peep-eye ball that eventually causes a need for surgery. You will poop them out. Like, immediately.

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  3. You stopped drinking water because it's used in cleaning fluids, right?

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