FIVE BEST "NAME" SONGS

Name songs. From "I Dream of Jeannie With The Light Brown Hair" to "Sheena Is A Punk Rocker", they've left an indelible imprint on our collective music consciousness. And of course we all have our favorites. The following five songs, which I've listed in no particular order, are mine.

ELI'S COMING (THREE DOG NIGHT)

I'm not what you could call a "Three Dog Night fan"...although I am a huge fan of the infamous anecdote involving Three Dog Night singer Chuck Negron's exploding penis. Who wouldn't be? This song, however, has always been my Achilles heel as far as the chart-topping 70s band is concerned. Unlike the rest of their made-for-radio output, it has an epic feel to it and is one of the few songs the band recorded in which Negron actually sounds passionate about what he's singing instead of sounding as though he's wondering where he's going to get his drugs after the show. I don't know who Eli is or why he's "coming", but if a professional Lothario like Chuck Negron is warning me that I'd better hide my heart once he gets here, it's a warning I'm taking seriously.

BERNADETTE (FOUR TOPS)

I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that this is the only pop/rock song featuring the name "Bernadette." That fact alone is worth a few kudos. I mean, rock and roll is rife with "Sally's" and "Mary's" and "Jean's". But Bernadette? That takes balls. And it's not just the name. From start to finish, this 1967 Motown gem just grabs you and takes you along for the ride, with Levi Stubbs belting out an impassioned plea to his girlfriend (the aforementioned Bernadette) to set his insecure mind and heart at ease. But the best thing about the song is its famous "false ending", when everything just stops for a second only for Stubbs to come screaming back in for one more round of "Bernadette!" I don't know if there was ever a real Bernadette, but if there was, she inspired one hell of a great song.

LADY JANE (THE ROLLING STONES)

One of the most well-known and acclaimed songs from the Stone's 1966 Aftermath album, "Lady Jane" is notable for its use of the dulcimer, played by a pre-train wreck Brian Jones, which gives it a very un-Stones-like Elizabethan feel. Rumor has it that Mick Jagger wrote it with the six wives of Henry VIII in mind, which may be why he sings the lyrics with an uncharacteristic air of melancholy. Whatever the reason, it's a beautiful song and one of the few from that period of the Rolling Stones' career that hasn't been overplayed to death, which means that when you hear it on the radio...you actually find yourself listening to it and appreciating what you hear.

CANDY (IGGY POP AND KATE PIERSON)

Iggy Pop, late of the Stooges, and Kate Pierson of the B-52's....who would have imagined that they would ever get together and record one of the best "name songs" ever? But that's exactly what they did. Released as the second single from Iggy's 1990 Brick By Brick album, "Candy" was the biggest mainstream hit of the punk godfather's career. Interestingly, according to Iggy, the song actually refers to an old girlfriend whose name was Betsy. Whatever her name was, she obviously triggered something in the singer's softer side and, for my money, pop music (pun intended) is better for it.

CONE ON, EILEEN (DEXY'S MIDNIGHT RUNNERS)

This last one was a hard toss-up between "Come On, Eileen" and "Alison" by Elvis Costello. As a musician, I feel a bit guilty that I didn't choose the latter since Elvis Costello is nothing if not a song-writing god and "Alison" is probably the best "New Wave" ballad ever written. So why didn't I choose it? Well, because, as much as I admire "Alison" for critical reasons, "Come On, Eileen", from Dexy's Midnight Runners' 1982 "Too-Rye-Ay" album, is the one that makes me get all finger-snappy and sing-along-ish whenever I hear it. In other words, it's just more fun to listen to....unless your name happens to be Eileen, that is. I know a couple of Eileens and they both hate this song. But I guess I would, too, if, whenever I told people my name, they smiled and said, "Well, come on, Eileen!" Luckily, since my name is Greta, I never have to worry about that kind of stuff. People just don't write songs about girls called "Greta." But if anyone ever does write a "Greta" song, I hope that it's at least half as catchy as the one Kevin Rowland wrote about "Eileen."

Well, that's all for now. Skol!