IT'S A WEIRD, WEIRD WORLD TOP FIVE STORY PICKS

Yes, I know it's been a while since I've posted anything, shallow or otherwise, here. And while there are a number of reasons for the lapse, I won't waste your time going into them. Not to mention that my arm hurts, and if I spend too much time at the keyboard, it will most likely begin to hurt worse. But because I am committed to the pursuit and presentation of shallowness, in all its myriad forms and incarnations, I feel compelled to give you, my beloved shallow-ites, something in return for your patience. So, to that effect, please allow me to present the following top five pick list (remember those?) of my favorite "weird news" stories from my vast and too-long ignored archives. Ready? Let's get weird...

NAKED MAN ATTACK AT TAMPA BAY 7-ELEVEN

MAYBE THE POOR GUY JUST WANTED A TWINKIE?

What is it with Florida and strange occurances? This past summer it was cannibalistic psuedo zombies on bath salts and LSD eating people's faces in Miami. This week it's homely naked men attacking unsupecting clerks at a 7-Eleven in Tampa Bay. No matter how you slice it, it's just plain weird...not to mention really gross. According to the article in The Tampa Bay Times, the naked perpertrator was a 30-year-old man called Abraham Luna, who burst into the store in the early morning hours and began shoving and punching the male clerk in an attack the paper called "unprovoked." Fortunately, Luna was arrested shortly after the incident, but not before he led police on a high speed, headlights-out chase into oncoming traffic on U.S. Route 19. The victim, whose name was not released, told the cops that it was Luna's first visit to the store. Chances seem pretty good that it will also be his last. To check out the raw video footage, go here.

THE BULLET STOPPED HERE

DOUBLE D BREAST IMPLANTS: SEXY AND LIFE-SAVING

An otherwise tragic incident took a titillating twist (emphasis on the first syllable) in July, 2010, when a man identified as Jaimie Parades entered a dental office and opened fire on his wife, who worked there. Parades' wife was killed in the attack, but another office employee, Lydia Carranza, escaped the same fate when one of Parades' bullets missed her heart and other vital organs by millimetres and lodged inside one of her size-D breast implants. "She's just one lucky woman," surgeon Dr Ashkan Ghavami told the Los Angeles Times. "Had she not had the implant, she might not be alive today."

Carranza, a mother of two and grandmother of three, recieved the implants several years ago to increase her breast size from a B-cup to a D-cup. Asked about the incident, she said that she didn't have time to think or be frightened. "I saw the gun pointed at me," she told reporters, "and then I felt wet in my chest area. I thought I was going to die." Although I have never been a fan of breast implants (I've never needed them, and even if I did, I subscribe to the "take it or leave it" school of thought when it comes to body image), considering the facts of this particular situation, it seems that they do have their advantages. In Lydia Carrenza's case, it's probably a good thing that she opted for a D-cup. No telling what would have happened if she'd settled for a C.

TIRED OF BEING POSSESSED? CALL 1-800-EXORCIST

GOOD THING MILAN ISN'T KNOWN FOR ITS PEA SOUP

The Roman Catholic church has always been a little fudgy when it comes to the concept of demonic possession, on one hand admitting that it might be possible, and on the other, maintaining a strictly controlled and somewhat secretive policy when it comes to church-sanctioned excorcisms, but now it seems that the church has decided to go public with its stance on demons and what to do about them...at least in Milan. According to Monsignor Angelo Mascheroni, head exorcist for the Milan diocese since 1995, the demonically possessed of that city can now call a recently instituted hotline to schedule emergency exorcisms. Mascheroni said that the hotline was set up in response to the increasing number of exorcisms being performed in Milan over the past 15 years. With switchboard operators manning the hotline Monday through Friday, from 2:30 pm to 5 pm, and a team of 12 priests on call, Mascheroni hopes to alleviate the suffering of those dealing with the apparent demonic scourge infesting Italy's second largest city. That doesn't mean the monsignor is totally sold on the idea of demonic possession. On the contrary, Mascheroni claims that most so-called "possessions" can actually be attributed to wayward teen-agers whose parents have become exasperated and turn to the church for help. The most important role of the diocese is "listening and caring," he told a reporter from The Independant this week. "In reality, it's not a demon. But when they're 18 years old, young people don't want to be told what to do." Hmmmm. Linda Blair's character in The Exorcist was only 12. Then again, that was only a movie.

FROM DREAM DERRIERE TO BUTT OF JOKES

IS KIM KARDASHIAN BEHIND THIS?

Thought we were done with weird implant stories? Think again. Earlier this week, an undentified woman posted pictures of her botched butt job on WorldStarHipHop.com in what she claimed was an effort to show people the dangers of plastic surgery. Seems that, following her surgery, the woman's implant turned out to be so loose that she could manipulate it with her hands, making her ass look as though it's a storage space for two car headlights. Dr. Philip Craft, a plastic surgeon not associated with the woman's surgery, told The New York Daily News that the problem is that the woman chose an implant too large for her body size. “That implant appears to be among the largest available for implantation. It’s just huge,” he said. “It’s way too big for her body.” He added that her doctor should never have agreed to use such large implants, and that even if the implant is removed, the stretched skin will sag and look misshapen. "She should opt for a smaller implant," he advised. So far, there's no word on what the owner of the botched buttocks intends to do in order to rectify the situation, but on the positive side, if she ever happens to be in a dental office when a crazed gunman bursts in and shoots her in the backside, she'll probably survive.

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE

AT LEAST THEY WEREN'T RUNNING WITH SCISSORS

Residents of Staten Island, New York were a little surprised this week by the sight of a zebra and a white Shetland pony cavorting down a busy main street. Being New Yorkers, of course, most of them just took the odd sight in stride. It made for a great video, though, especially when the owner of the animals, Giovanni Shirripa finally managed to catch up to them and put their "rampage" to an end. Shirripa told reporters that the waywayrd pair had been part of a petting zoo for an Octoberfest celebration earlier this year. "I was cleaning out their stalls, and they escaped," he said. The wilding was no doubt a moment of much-needed fun in the zebra and pony's otherwise humdrum existance, to which they returned shortly after Shirripa captured them. The health department is currently investigating the matter. And although I have no idea what zebras and ponies have to do with Octoberfest (I thought it was all about beer and tubas) Staten Island residents should just be grateful that elephants are too large to be part of a petting zoo. To see the fleet-footed mavericks in action, go here.

Okay, well, that's it for this post. Hope you enjoyed it. My arm still hurts. But if I've brought even a glimmer of a smile to someone's face, it's...almost worth it. Skol!