DON'T EAT ANOTHER PEEP UNTIL YOU READ THIS POST (SERIOUSLY. YOU'LL THANK ME LATER.)

Marshmallow Peeps. You know 'em, and if you have any sense at all, you loathe them with every fiber of your being. What am I talking about, you ask? Why do I feel such enormous hatred for a marshmallow candy shaped like a chick or a bunny and dyed artificial shades of yellow, pink, blue, and green? Okay, I'll tell you. It's the eyes, damn it. As much as I hate marshmallow, as much as I detest the annoying cuteness that compels people to buy them in the first place, it's the eyes that send me over the Easter candy aisle edge. You see...those eyes...those round, black eyes embedded inside the marshmallow faces of the Peeps sitting in boxes on your local grocery store shelf right this very minute....are insoluble.

There. I said it. Now you know...and you can never, ever go back to not knowing. All you can do is let me explain exactly what it all means...for the Peeps, and for you. No matter what you do to Peeps...immerse them in boiling water, drench them in phenol (yes, phenol), or dunk them in sulfuric acid (yes, sulfuric acid), their eyes will not dissolve. It takes the Peep a long time to dissolve on its own, but if you keep working at it, you can eventually make the Peep go away. But even though the Peep is gone, its eyes will remain.

Of course, all of this begs one singular question: what the hell are Peeps eyes made of anyway? The answer is carnauba wax. Also known as Brazil Wax and palm wax, carnauba wax comes from a palm plant called Copernica prunifera which grows only in northeastern Brazil. Sounds innocent enough, doesn't it? Even somewhat exotic. Sure, it does...until you find out that carnauba wax is used for a lot more than Peep eyes. It's a main component of car waxes, furniture polishes, shoe polishes, dental floss, and many cosmetics. Carnauba wax is what gives those products the ability to make things shine. That's all well and good since most people don't eat furniture polish or lipstick. But they do eat Peeps. And I've never seen anyone spit out those glossy black eyes. Do you see what I'm saying here? Or do the words "Soylent Green" mean nothing to you?

Maybe you think I'm making this whole thing up because I want everyone in the world to hate Peeps as much as I do. I only wish that I were. But the insolubility of Peep eyes is a cold, hard fact, brought to light in 1999 by two scientists at Emory University, who performed a battery of tests on countless Peeps before reaching their disturbing conclusion. What's even more disturbing is that, here we are, thirteen years later, and no one seems to care. People are still eating Peeps and taking pictures of them doing stupid things. Like this...

And this...

They don't realize, or maybe they just don't care that the Peeps they find so precious and adorable are harboring insoluble eyes. And if Peep eyes can stand up to sulfuric acid, think about what happens when they hit your stomach. Nothing. They just sit there. Every tiny black eye from every yellow, pink, green, or blue Peep you have ever eaten is still down there in your stomach. It floors me. It should floor you, too. But for some reason it probably won't. We have the facts, we know the score, and yet....no one cares.

I don't know why Peeps and their insoluble eyes have such a hold on our society, but they apparently do. And I'm just one person, and there's only so much one person can do to beat back the sugar-coated scourge that we know by the innocuous name of "Peeps." Sure, I'll keep telling people about the eyes. I'll stick to my vow to never buy Peeps, either for myself (that's an easy one) or for anyone else. And I'll send links to Peeps eyes insolubility websites to everyone I know every Easter. But what it comes down to is...what are you going to do about it now that you know the truth? Shrug your shoulders and eat another Peep? Or take a stand? The choice is yours. Make the right one. Say "No...a thousand times...No!" to Peeps and their insoluble eyes. And always remember: Marshmallow chicks might go down easy, but once they're in, it's a hell of a lot harder to get a Peep out of you.

Skol!

EATING EASTER

If you celebrate Easter, you've probably already made tentative plans for the holiday, such as whether you'll be attending church (you should), what you intend to do afterwards (toasting the new pope comes to mind), and, most important, what you'll be serving for dinner. Because, let's face it, when it comes to celebrating Easter Sunday, religious observance is only one half of the equation. The other half is all about food. There's the candy, of course: chocolate bunnies, creme-filled eggs, and those godawful Peeps. (Who in God's name actually likes those things?)

And then there's Easter dinner: ham, asparagus, and that quivering Jell-O mound with whipped cream on top. There are variations, naturally. Some people opt for roast lamb or pork instead of ham. Some prefer to bite the head off a chocolate chick instead of a chocolate bunny. But the basic theme is pretty much the same from household to household. If you happen to live in North America, that is. That's right. Surprise! There are actually places in the world where people celebrate Easter sans ham and Jell-O and...shudder...Peeps. And I'm here to tell you about some of them. So, let's start off with a gooey little concoction known as the "butter lamb"...

Isn't it cute? And it's made entirely of butter, which also makes it dangerous. But cholesterol concerns aside, the butter lamb is an essential part of Easter dinner in the homes of Polish Catholics, as well as in some Russian and Slovenian households as well. And there's a definite protocol involved when it comes to eating it. According to tradition, the tail has to be consumed first, then the body, and, finally, the head. If you happen to be the one eating the head, you might want to watch out for the peppercorns that represent the eyes. They can be pretty crunchy. And if the thought of sculpting your own butter lamb leaves you feeling a little daunted...don't worry. You can always buy a ready-made one at your local deli and pretend that you did it yourself. Who's going to rat you out? The Easter Bunny? Speaking of which...

While chocolate bunnies might be an Easter mainstay in most western cultures, in Australia, basket-toting rabbits made of chocolate aren't quite as popular. Seems that real rabbits have wreaked so much havoc on the Australian environment that a little marsupial known as a bilby has become the preferred image when it comes to Easter chocolate. The Foundation for Rabbit-Free Australia first introduced the bilby as an alternative to the traditional Easter bunny in 1991, and the concept has been steadily gaining ground ever since. There are even Easter Bilby books and stories to go with it. None of which makes any difference to real bilbies, who, unlike real rabbits, are on the endangered species list. But if you're not into chocolate bilbies or rabbits, you can always try your luck with duck...

Baby ducks, that is. Embryos, to be even more precise...and disgusting. But, hey, I don't make these things up, I just blog about them. And the fact is that, in the Philippines, the idea of boiling fertilized duck embryos in their shells and eating them is considered absolutely normal. Not to mention yummy. Known as balut to those who love it, this macabre little delicacy can be served plain or with seasoning (garlic and vinegar is highly recommended) and is usually accompanied by a beer (I'd need an entire six-pack and a blindfold). The creepiest part of balut consumption (to me, anyway) is that no balut afficienado worth his or her salt would even think of eating one until the duck embryo was at least 17 days old, at which point the feathers, beak, and claws have started to form, but the bones are still soft, making it easier to chew them. But if the thought of eating duck embryos makes you sad (and not just sick), you'd probably be better off eating your Easter meal in a country where ducklings (ugly ones anyway) are allowed to turn into swans instead of balut. Yes, I'm talking about Denmark, whose inhabitants celebrate Easter with a traditional lunch instead of dinner, the most important component of which is...

No, not mermaids. Don't be silly. Mermaids aren't real, and even if they were, they're half-human, which brings up all sorts of ethical issues when it comes to eating them. But the Danes have no such problem eating fish, especially herring, as part of their Easter lunch. Slathered on dark bread and washed down with a good beer, herring is as popular at Easter time in Denmark as it is at Christmas time and on any other major or minor holiday. True, the traditional Danish Easter lunch includes other dishes as well, such as roast lamb and eggs, but herring...pickled,fermented, or otherwise...is the one dish that Danes would miss if it wasn't there. But what else would you expect in a country that is basically an island in the North Sea? For those of us who aren't especially enamored of fish, it's fortunate that the Danes are equally committed to brewing excellent beer.

Well, I could go on, obviously. But sometimes less is more, and in this case, I've decided that it's true. I hope you enjoyed this brief peek at what some other people in the world will be eating on Easter. And I hope you enjoy whatever you choose to include on your menu. (I just hope it's not those damned Peeps.)

Skol!

CREEPY MANNEQUIN WEDNESDAY PHOTO

It almost got past me, but with only a few minutes left to go in this Creepy Mannequin Wednesday, I'm here to post not one...but two...creepy mannequin photos. Yes, friends, it's a double feature this time round. Just my way of saying "the show goes on".....because it does. And so, with no further ado, feast your eyes on two examples of what can happen when mannequins become the focus of someone's idea of "art". Calling it "creepy" doesn't even begin to cover it.

Until next time...skol!

FELIX VERSUS THE KIT CAT CLOCK

I don't know if you've ever had your uterus removed, either for fun or medical reasons, but let me tell you one thing about it: it's not something that you just "get over" quickly. From the moment I was diagnosed with my illness and told that I needed to undergo surgery. people began telling me that it would be all right because hysterectomies are "routine" and women have them all the time. To me, that's like saying that death is routine, so what's the big deal? Just because something is routine doesn't mean that it's easy or not painful for the person dealing with it. So, what does all this have to do with shallowness? Well, this: The other night, after I wrote my first post-surgery practice post, I was so drained, I went back to bed and slept for seven hours...a record for an insomniac like me. But this recuperating insomniac just happens to be a positive thinker as well. Even if, in this particular case, my positive thinking requires baby steps in order to put it into action. So I'm gonna take yet another baby step and post an addendum to my last post. For some reason, the Kit Kat Clock theme is working for me. And because it is, I offer you my second post-surgery practice post on....wait for it...the story behind the clocks. Ready? Let the cat strutting begin...

Ever wondered which came first...Felix, the cartoon cat, or Kit Cat Clocks? Well, wonder no more. Felix came first, exploding into animated fame during the silent film era. Drawn in angular, art deco lines, with a classic black and white demeanor and a cool cat attitude, he quickly became the most popular cartoon character of the time. Over the years, Felix the Cat's likeness has become a pop culture mainstay, adorning mugs, lunch boxes, T-shirts, and even the tails of U.S. Navy bombers (the insignia showed Felix smiling as he carried a bomb with a burning fuse). Felix's popularity has remained high even though most of his cartoon contemporaries from the early Hollywood era have long been forgotten, except for, perhaps, Betty Boop, who still enjoys a strong following. Although a "Felix" movie released in the 80's failed to draw crowds at movie theaters, video sales were strong, and a "Felix" TV show (in which his old friend Betty Boop also appeared) performed well enough to generate interest in the production of a new show which is reportedly still in the works.

"Felix Dopes It Out" was one of the cartoon cat's extrmeley popular early films

So, of course, you're probably wondering what all of that has to do with Kit Kat Clocks. Well, not surprisingly, it all comes down to money and jealousy. (Doesn't it always?) But here's where it all gets a little...uh...furry. Felix the Cat first began cavorting across silent film screens in 1919, winning the hearts of audiences and making money for the people who produced the films throughout the 20's and into the 30's. But then something catastrophic happened...i.e. the Great Depression. And although Felix's fans still adored him, a lot of people began adoring a new cat who had just strutted onto the scene, namely the Kit Cat Clock, which first hit store shelves in 1932.

Manufactured by the California Clock Company, the Kit Cat Clock was an immediate success with consumers who loved its rolling eyes and wagging tail, presumably because they were too poor to go out at night and needed to find cheap ways of entertaining themselves at home. The first Kit Cat Clocks were fashioned from black plastic and required electricity in order to work. It wasn't until the 1980's that the clocks were altered to make them battery-operated as a means of reducing production costs. Cosmetically, the Kit Cat Clock looks almost the same as it did in the 1930s, although the clocks can now be purchased in a variety of colors or even with jeweled eyes and rhinestone trim. But whatever the color or degree of glitz, Kit Cat Clocks have, like Felix the Cat, remained a popular part of pop culture, transcending their original role as mere time-telling devices to become objects of art, the inspiration for clothes and jewelry, and an undisputed icon of kitsch.

And therein lies Felix's beef with the clockwork kitties. In 2007, Don Oriolo, who owns the rights to the animated feline, sued the California Clock Company, claiming that the clocks were "blatant knock-offs" of Felix. Oriole took particular issue with the fact that the California Clock Company sometimes referred to the clocks as "Felix Clocks." The company responded to the charge with the explanation that the "Felix" reference had nothing to do with the cartoon character, but was, in fact, a reference to the Latin word "felicitas", which means "happiness." In a rebuttal to Oriolo's charges, an attorney for the California Clock Company dismissed the accusations of name-stealing and, instead, questioned the reason that Oriolo had waited so long to yowl "foul!" over the alleged trademark infringment. Manhattan Federal Judge Deborah Batts decided that a jury should hear the case.

So, what did the jury decide? Well, seems that the cat fight didn't get that far. The case was settled "amicably" in 2008, although neither side has been willing divulge the exact terms of the settlement. And now that all of the hissing and yowling is over, the two feline icons have resumed the peaceful co-exsistance that they had enjoyed before the lawsuit. The Kit Cat Clock has a fan club with over 10,000 dues-paying members, and there are numerous websites and fan pages devoted to Felix the Cat. And now that the fur has settled, the rest of us can take comfort in knowing that, when it comes to high-profile pussy cats, there's room for more than one bowl of milk at the pop culture table.

Skol!

POST SURGERY PRACTICE POST

It's been four days now since the doctors removed a part of my insides and sent me home with pain medication, a swollen stomach, bruises everywhere, and a list of do's and don'ts. Am I up to writing a post? Nope. But I can't seem to fall asleep either. So I have decided to compromise...with pictures of Kit Kat clocks. Why? Because they rock! So feast your eyes on these clockwork felines with my blessing. And just for the record, if anyone out there ever feels the need to buy me a present just for the thrill of it (hey, it could happen), feel free to make it a Kit Kat clock. (Hint: I like the jeweled ones.)

CLASSIC KIT KAT CLOCK

VINTAGE KIT KATNESS, CIRCA 1930'S

OUTRAGEOUS ORANGE WITH JEWELS

PASTEL PURR-FECTION

COOL WHITE DELIGHT

GREEN HAS AN ELEGANT SHEEN

A LITTLE TOO REALISTIC

NICE TRY, BUT I CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE

CUTE EARRINGS, BUT CAN THEY TELL TIME?

I COULD TOTALLY SEE THIS AS THE COOLEST T-SHIRT EVER

I EVEN LOVE THE BOX

A CAT'S EYE VIEW

Well, that's it for this post-surgery practice post. Time for me to go to bed and get catatonic. Thanks for indulging me. Skol!

TIME OUT

This will be my last post for at least a week. I'm heading to hospital on Wednesday to have surgery and will need a little while to recuperate. But never fear. I will be back as soon as I can with more shallow subject matter. Until then....skol!

CREEPY MANNEQUIN WEDNESDAY PHOTO

A little late, but not by much...here it is, your Creepy Mannequin Wednesday Photo. This time around, it's not just the mannequins that are creepy...it's their information gathering abilites. If you want to know what I mean, go to Paper Blog and read "Busted By A Mannequin." But for now, just feast your eyes on this week's creepiness...if you can stand it. (She said, pointedly.)

Skol!